Saturday, August 26, 2006
Dated : 26082006 (Day 12)
I didn't write anything here in the noon when i was online.
Had a call from jo that she had got into the 2nd interview, halfway through she haung up on and vanished. Drop her a message to congrats but didn't really ask more. Maybe she's spending time with gf to celebrate it or something.
Although i feel that she was still in a kinda rush for something she wants but, if giving up her studies will still make her happy, she might go ahead. Maybe we really belongs differently which is why i feel that i always gurad against my responsibilties towards my everything. To her likewise, everything seems so light and happy. Was it really the way we make our life goes? I mean, jo no offence but, you should know well about what i'm all these while. It's a big decision for you nd no matter what no one can change your mind, we only hope that you will be happy in whatever you decides. That's what friends are for?
About about the 3 questions that i have asked about being with her gf for long term, fact is an intelligent girl like her shouldn't be asking herself that sort of questions.
But 1 day if she will to give herself an answer, it will probably be a no. Ask me why but i won't answer that, not because i have no faith in my friend, not that. Anyway, for her case who can't judge between good and bad is common, so don't worry because silly pple always have fortune. :)
About me, i came in the office expecting a hot weather between my elder sis and b-in-law.. And they didn't talk as expected.. My sister's pulling that long face infront of me and i didn't wanna interfere.
Fact about life, wife and husband or lovers can't work together.. They bring home everything and friction is caused. The kids will be the only innocent party, get scoldings, beatings and lots more. Which is why i didn't wanna interfere. Dear uncle george got himself a butter-up for breakfast from my dad in the morning and he was really really innocent. But, blame him for not checking with my dad eariler. I can't interfere nor to order around because we(in office) have our concern which are things that they(outside)never wanna know. It's a waste of time telling them also, i find it strange because that isn't the way i worked before, i have to now consider the fact that he's my sister husband and it's difficult because he keeps finding troubles for me. Well, like i say.. I will still try by best to get whatever licences if i have the need to. Not to really get upgrade, because they are saying that i can't and in that way they are using this to threaten my sister or the company wellfare.
Although yes my dad cannot be a perfect boss, but who don't make mistakes and why are you so angry with him? We should be the ones, but we have already forgiven him and who are you to penalise him? He's the rich man child not you. He's a brat, not you. If your intention was to take over this company, no worries because lot of people will object to it. If my dad can't do a good job, you can't as well, be frank.
We went back at about 330pm this afternoon, i went for a haircut and my sister went for a black dye. The weather was too hot for my hair length but i didn't realise the lady had cut the tail off, the part i like about. Well, i guess i will have to leave it for the next time to tell her properly one more time what i really want.
After dinner, i set up the computer for my write-in before i sent them back.
On my way back it was raining slightly and i put on the cd i wanted and the last song was from F.I.R. So, real and true that i can't control myself but cried driving.
Though i can't remember how many time i did that, but the pain was still there.
During a sharp turn, the 2 alien toys roll off and dropped, i was swaying left and right because i thought they had dropped outside. I settled myself down and checked again, it was at the carpet luckily.(phew..)
I didn't stop the car because there was road works infront so i muttered under my breath, "Don't worry, I'll pick you up no matter what, i promise."
Sound familiar to me but i didn't wanna think for long.
Today, i remember to put my new toy in the car hanging just infront of me. Was like asking brother on sending a small toy over to aus and he ask me to ask for a small box and it won't cost much. So, probably monday morning, i will drop by the post office and ask them about it. Holding the other toy, i silently put all my emotionals and best wishes inside it, bless me that she will get it.
I was thinking if i should write a letter for her without any question, just wishes and regards. I don't know, what if she never reply? What if things aren't the way i thought to be? So many things holding me back. Maybe i shouldn't expect so much, because she has already made it clear to me, maybe not.
Look, i'm not saying that there's a need for us to get back together and i don't see a point to force pple do be with me. It's just sometimes when you ge t to see your les friends being so happily together, you feel the pinch and the bliss, overall you will be happy for them, get what i'm saying?
Of course i don't want myself to be sitting here always and hoping that she can change for me, because i don't see a need for it. We will make it as, she's blessed and i'm cursed, that's it. My mindset never change, I love you and you can choose not to, simple.
If you wanna dump me, despite me, it's your luck.
I'm a just a boring butch but i'm simple and i love simple.
My elder sister asked me again today about melissa.
I imagine myself vomitted blood on the dinner table again,(ha)
Again she asked: "She never contacted you?"
Chris : "Nope?"
Sister: "Why like that?" "Change so fast meh?" "Then is it because she got a new one there?"
Chris: "Don't know, don't ask so much."
Sister: You and her how long already?"
Chris:(My heart said: "It never stopped.")"One year and six month."
Sister: "huh.. So long together then suddenly like that.." " Waste of time..(hai)"
I stared at her and she smile and continue eating.
Her concern is not wrong but maybe i feel differently and that's makes me always in pain. "Take it easy, chris", i never fail to remind myself every single day.
I'm still doing my count-down. I know very well that she can't see it nor hear it. Maybe i didn't wanna act like a pitful shit in her eyes when she sees it. There's after all no need for it.
There are still many things i would wanna do for my silly girl but i guess i could now only do
it silently. Bryan has totally given up on me now but i feel peaceful in that way. I dun interfere your life and you leave mine out.
Unlike vivian, she respected and understood why the need for me to do silly things because we are both silly.(ha)
I think i will drop by her workplace if i'm done at my grandma's, i missed her and by right she might be leaving soon. So, i feel the need to visit more when she's still there.
Told vivian most of my stuffs and i hope she's not getting bored with my stories.(ha) But, i listened to her too as well and hoping to bring darren and her together IF darren's really good.
Busybody right? I enjoyed being a match-maker and i loved seeing pple happy.
I was thinking if i were to get this as a 2nd job, my life will be balanced..(haha) Just kidding.
I don't hafta worry about mine, i'm an unusual freak. I don't click with pple that well and i always get annoyed when there girls ard. Bryan gave up on me because i always screwed up her intro-dates and she's pissed with me. I know she's being nice but, sorry my friend. I'm sorry.
Was checking in my cpf today for updates and i realised i can go for the teeth implants with that money. Needed to check with the doctor next week because i missed the previous one.
Although i have to go through lot of pain but, i really wanted that.
Tomorrow's sunday. :(
I wish i can roar my lungs out.(ha, nuts.)
I wanna watch t.v til i fall asleep like yesterday, i think that was like almost 0300am? Luckily i put on the timer and i slept through the night, BEST.
Time : 1118pm
It slightly cooler tonight, best night for me to cuddle my bloster and slaughter like a mad-man.(kidding.)
At least my dog will sleep better because he has been panting for days and i bet he will sleep like a LOG.
Same thing again, i wish for you like you'd prayed to your lord for me in the past before you sleep.
May he give you everything you need, blesses you like he blessed me.
Wherever you could be, your everything had never left me.
Although time has passed, i have never stop loving you.
Maybe i will never get to hear your voice, see your face in future.
My heart has never intend to stop beating.
Although i can't promise you nothing, time will be a test for me.
I stay silent because i'm afraid to hurt you.
I stay silent because i want you to keep moving on.
I stay silent because your heart is never with me.
I stay silent because I don't wanna miss you so much.
I stay silent because forcing you will not make me happier.
I'm miserable everyday because i made it this way.
I'm sorry everything had become, ended this way.
(If loving someone is so painful and tired, please let me be the only one to undertake everything.)
"Pat me on my shoulders and let me sleep blissfully once more." =_(
chr|s on 2:35 PM
