Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Dated : 23082006(Day 8)
(Day 9)
Another day passes through this up-tied life. Realised i didn't have the energy to come up yesterday for updating. Although, it's not a must to come update everyday but still i will try to come, to at least let out my frustrations.
When i look through everything i wrote, i feel that this is an "angry blog", with such a life i have self-created. So, other than writing with all i should, whether anyone will drop by here to feel and sympathize this poor life, i don't care much.
Vivian called yesterday after work, we chatted again. Stuffs on her plans after she and the heartless gf she has. I think she's hesitating to accept another, even darren.(who's now in states.) She had told that they were actually rather close and darren had requested many times that she should leave ah hong, for like 6 months. I advise her that she should actually give herself plently of time to accept darren but don't make her wait too long. End of this month after ah hong move out, she can openly start anew. She has suffered enough already, i hope she can pull through this smoothly.
She asked :" So how, did she call you or messaged you..?"
Chris :"No, i don't think she would."
Vivian : "Maybe she will la, but she probably needs time?"
Chris :" I can't say i understand her well, but i don't think she ever will."
"She's somebody who will only sit there and wait for people but will never indicate any moves." "Ask her, she will tell you that too."
Vivian: "Anything you can know from her friends?"
Chris: "That's a good question." "In a year & half time, i don't know any of them not because i didn't wanna know them but she didn't want me to know them, or be-friend them." "Maybe, she think i'm too old to understand them?"
Vivian : "WHAT?!" "Why like that?" "Think you must be feeling terrible.."
Chris :(Tears roll down at the side.)"I think i done my best protect her as well as to respect, at least i'm not like her exs. That's makes me gd enough."
Vivan: "What's your plans about her?"
Chris: "After much thoughts, I'm not going to HOPE anymore but only wish for a miracle."
"That's the only way to make myself feel better." "I don't think i will make any more moves because i have done too much and i am really tired." "Fact about her personalities is, she will not change for me so i will never hope for it again."
"Don't worry about it, my friend. What i needed now is not a gf anymore, i need friends."
Vivian: "Ya, you are right." "Friends are more important now."
These are part of the conversation we had about her. There was another regarding the last day that i was still in contact with her. About the email cums the reply to and from the butch in australia. I have no intention to put it here and so far i have only explained the contents to vivian about it.
Those words from her if you are sensible to understand it, you will guarrante her with broken legs if you will to ever see her. But, I decided to let it rest forever.
Foolish to have let her see your weak points, foolish to have even request from someone you don't know, F.O.O.L.I.S.H.
She wants to see the contents, so i told her that i will print it out and probably meeting her this week.
I slept at about 2am yesterday, realising this was the 1st night i slept so early.
Today, i woke up late and i'd so many morning calls from everywhere. Keep forgetting to switch on the bluetooth when driving. Forgot to top up petrol. I came in the office with a tired mind but there's work to be done still. Kept looking at the calendar, sort of counting-down.
Another 3 months before she's coming back, but i do not know when. It's better not to know, i think.
I kept a copy of her timetable in my wallet and everytime i look at it, i will wonder what's she doing.
I still keep the 2 small toys(aliens) she gave it to me in the car before she left, something to accompany me when she's not there. I doubt she has ever noticed that. (ha.) That's okay to me.
I named them one's (silly) another's (billy), what silly names..
Today, my msn icon suddenly popped up when i have actually hidden it in my system, away from my sight days before. I have already stopped going in anymore as she might be there and i'm a problem-child.
Today, a hot day but a beautiful day.
I shouldn't be feeling moody all the times.
I shouldn't be sitting silently here having thoughts.
I shouldn't be ignoring all my messages.
I shouldn't be having the pain at my chest.
I looked at the poster at wall of mine, it wrote:
Life can be unfair at times
When you must mantain faith and never let go.
It's especially during the difficult times
That you must live your life to it's fullest potential.
Those are the times to triumph
Over circumstances
With hope and courage
Life's isn't always easy
But if you keep going and persevere
To the very best of yur ability
You will gain strength to manage
The new challenges ahead.
Each goal that you reach
is another important step forward.
Believe that there are
bright and wonderful days ahead for you
And you will find them.
Facts about life which is so so true but to fulfil it isn't easy.
I'm glad some people in my life have made it.
They should be the living examples i should learn from.
chr|s on 12:56 PM
