Friday, August 18, 2006
Dated : 18082006(Day 4)
(Yesterday)
I made a terrible decision, which is to stop contacting her. Deeply broken-up, i only have this blog to keep me going.
Decieving myself that she already has someone better to take care of her, i just hope i won't hurt her with those abusive words anymore, ain't wan her to cry no more.
Perhaps it's really a time we shld cool down & think maturely. It's a fact i could not deny anymore.
I was too sensitive whereby she's being insensitive. I tried hard but she didn't wanna.
Throughout the whole night i held all the hot tears bursting out very very soon. Went back i took a cold cold bath even under medication. Took my medication, reciting in my headache, "everything is over, dun think anymore."
I then climbed on my bed earlier, shutting all lights, t.v, even the door.(LEAVE ME ALONE.)
Feeling so terrible, i smsed this good of friend joanna asking if she's free or a talk.
She called back and just said," let it all out, you will feel better."
So, i decided to let all terrible things out, uncontrollable.
The only thing i thought was i'd never done this before in her presence.
I'm not ashamed of it, but thankful to her.
We had a heart to heart talk about my issues and carefully she explained all.
I am a person full of hidden meanings, words that i always wanted to say seems so diffcult to get it, she said.
After 06 years of friendship, she said: "I can't say i know you well now, but BETTER."
Maybe all the while there was a little mis-communication between, you just didn't know or so.
Everything she said was right.
And guess what, she's now my good friend cums my private therapy doctor and i'm the patient. (ha.)
I forgot to mention that after the crying and listening to my dear friend, another good friend call in too.
Had repeated my version and asked her about her problem.
She is still strucked in that house wih ah hong. She told me that she actually wanted to die few years back for her.
I jokely told her that " huh? only 3th floor?" "
If you never die, what if you are crippled, she won't care more of you loh!" Stupid.
But, at the end of the story, i told her that she is much much braver than i do. She is.
If i always think that i'm pitiful, i think vivian should the one.
We spent sometime calculating her monthly expenses and i scolded her for the high handphone bills.
Then i kinda figure out for her how much or how she can survive if she moved out alone.
Cash was the big problem on her hand and courage is still utimitely the biggest thing she will hafta bring out. As a friend to her, i hope to guide her throughout.
For me currently, going to work will be my daily routine, although i await the big change in this company at the end of this month.
I told them my decision still never change, no matter what is or how things change.
I have already waited for nearly 1 year and I will continue for another balancing 18 months.
Whether you guys believe or not or even might wanna uttered that i'm "stupid".
It's just something that i wanna do at this part of my life, yes..
I was the one who wants to commit, it's nobody's problems.
(LEAVE ME ALONE.)
Now that i had so much time on hand, jo keep urging me to READ books to kill time. (AIYO)
Seems so bored right? I would wanna spend more time with my balancing 04 goldfishes in my tanks.
And I did something stupid.. i kneeled at the tank, stroking them and told the how sorry i was neglecting them all these while.
My favourite fish now is swimming upside down and i cried again.
I named them all "darling".
I honestly confessed to my doctor this morning that i managed to sleep at 0430am yesterday night.
And while desperately trying to get to sleep, i drank another actually, 02 spoonful of cough syrup.(Yucks!) The reaction was terrible.(I won't explain.)
(Today)
Can't even wake up this morning, struggled to keep my eyes open.
After wash up, I found my favourite polo-T!
I feel a little better today, although heart-ache is forever there.
Drove to the POSB to settle mum's problems But before anything the stupid police came, sent me & mum running back to the car & zoom off. (ha) (*&^%$#@@!~)
Everything was cool & on the road i horned at my ex. driver & waved, i seems happy cos he finally smiled.
After him, while on the 1st lane managing my own business.. The big fat lorry beside me was happily chtting with his friend and nearly crash my car FLAT! Luckily i was alert to jam the brakes in time & pressed the horn forever. (What the fXXX!)
He apologised by waving but, he got me pissed. I just zoom past him and hope that i won't see him again. Damn, so irresponsible.
That accident would cost me 2k excess from insurance if i lose the case.
But, that taught me also a lesson, stay away from these jerks!
Guys, today i tried my best.
I did lots of things even cleaning the toliet just not to think of those upsetting stuffs.
Left my phone to my elder sister cos i won't attempt any stupid ideas, hurting her again.
Paid my IDD bills but i won't cancel the line.
Ya, will wash my car again later to keep me fully occupied.
Was only thinking how to pass my night for today..
Bet she thinks i'm hating her.
Every min right now, my heart aches.
I missed you all the time.
I wish you know.
P/s :
Tomorrow is her birthday. Her 21th birthday.
I won't be sending any messages nor emails cards.
Didn't wanna dampen her happy happy day.
My only wish for her is : Please be happy even for that day.
I haven't forgotten about it at all.
Tonight i will mail out my card.
I hope to be the last one to wish her.
chr|s on 12:38 PM
