Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Dated : 15082006Time : 1016pm
(Day : One)
Welcome to my created blog for today. As i have already shut down the previous one.
There is a place i wanna put my feelings & (I'M FOOLISH)a time for me to check how long i'm gonna wait for her.
Tonight is the (1)st night i have started my waiting. :)
Had been driving throughout the day today. The mentally sick & stressed out me has been holding on smiling.
Had a very bad sore throat today & i couldn't eat properly. I spended the day deciding whethering i should shut "my thoughts" down. All my past feelings, although they have not changed at all.. are all inside.
I cried alittle when i wrote my last entry. Almost teared me apart..
I got her message in the morning as usual.(At times, i really hope it will continue forever.)
I replied her roughly, later guilt fills me up when i know she must be really hurt. But, i didn't apologise.
I just kept it all inside, many "sorrys".
Even at "my thoughts", imagine how i wrote to agitate her.(i'm sorry.) I'm such a bastard.
I didn't wanna make her cry at all, but to at least know how i felt all these miserable moments without her.
She came to msn today also to say hello. I reply in short that at the moment i was weak & i do not wish to talk about us. She obliged.
I know i failed letting her outta my life. I even put wallpaper of her at my MSN when we chat.
And odf course by keeping stuffs of her now will affect me but, i guess i can't bear to remove anything yet. My heart isn't dead yet.
It's easy for everybody to tell me many advises, but i'm still grateful. They lent a helping hands whenever i fall.
So far, only jo understand a little of me. Not to talk about others, simply introducing girls to you like i'm a pimp-face.
One day when i burst out, i will pick up a waste-paper basket & dump at them. "Guys, what you need is a basket to fill ur head!"
At the end of the day, i really "missed" her like never before, cross my hrt.
(Vivian told me to give her some time to cool down & think. And that probably she's still young, not ready to commit too much. I agreed to her point, although they were only months friends.
I'm also concern abt her's, she might probably leave her girlfriend soon. Sad to know all these.
I lost my girlfriend & she lost hers. )
Well, i spent the evening at my elder sister's place, then took my younger niece to the doctor.(had a fever.)
Very naughty girl but, cheer me up a little.
To & fro driving, lastly we headed back home at abt 8plus.
I took a bath then climbed on my bed.
I can't help it but took the phone and dialed her number...
For 5sec, she didn't pick up..
Then there was a click, i hanged up..
I lost the courage even to hear her voice..
A min later when i was going to do my blog, she sms:
"Did you just called?" "I have a missed call but hanged up when i picked up."
I was wondering why she didn't assume it was others?
I saw her on MSN and click on the online icon.
She stepped in and ask we chatted a little. For me at that time, i realise i was writting normally to her.
Updated my stuffs for tml too. Then everything ended.
Maybe we really ran outta stuffs to talk about.
Maybe she didn't know how to face me.
Maybe it's all my bad emotionals.
Maybe it's time for me to face the reality..
I don't know..
Until the day my heart stop beating for her..
Until the day i stopped loving her..
Until the day, my tears will stopped cos of her..
Then i will give it all up, quietly. (I promise that.)
Maybe as i gets older, thinkings have changed.
I realised too that my past actions has caused too much misery.
I have more woes than friends.
I have regretted & also had lotsa up & down punishments.
If god can see now,
pardon me & condemn me no more..
chr|s on 9:39 PM
