Saturday, August 19, 2006
Dated : 19082006Time : 0926pm
I came in here again to actually edit my previous's post today..
About the phase i wrote, the message that vivian'd sent this morning. In fact, i wasn't too surprise when she told me that it was actually from her GF, not melissa.
1st : Those ain't her words, as i really sat down and look through the message over a 100 times.
2nd : In our relationship, she has never said those words & with her character, it's not hers.
I would have more reasons, i assume.
But, no matter how much words I used to convince myself that she was gone in my life. Nothing changes still. Was i born like that? "Being stubborn will not get you anywhere". " At the end of the period, everyone laugh and you cry". said my split-self.
I could only cover my ears tightly so that i would not hear it laugh, jeer, spat at me.
It's already a torture to face all these and i have to put up with it. Especially when it come at some appointed-time, if you know wat i'm saying.
I tried very hard during my conversation with vivian not to ask anymore about wat they actually talked about. Yes, there might be words girls share but, we dun have the access to it. Rather to ask, i chose not to ask, to know. Why? I will never wanna hear those discouraging words at my ears. It's hurtful, painful and nobody like it. Forget it? I have said a million times, stop it. I'm going 27 this year and i believe my abilities to choose between life & death. If my death will not be remembered after my funeral like my grandma's. I will choose to live on with my achievements and principles.
Someone has told me that i will die one day with those lousy principles i created.
Today, i will tell you you are wrong. I am going stronger everyday because i held on to my beliefs. People will remember me. I was already 2 years ago, the youngest controller in spore, isn't it?
If you was saying that i am stubborn because i, as a lesbian do not go easy with my life and in my future life, i will glum that i regret. I will not.
If going clubbing, get drunk and bed with anyone you choose will make you happy, go ahead.
If by chosing anyone on the streets to be ur girlfriend will make you proud, go ahead.
If driving a brand new car & you actually cannot afford make you a hero, go ahead.
If by making me a fool in front of your friend makes you happier, go ahead.
If by having an operation will make you a real man, go ahead.
If these are what your principles are, you are what i label as " waste".
You are wasting my time listening to these rubbish.
You know what, i have lot and lot of junk friends like these.
Even for my best friend who's at AUS. I tried calling her few days back. She said she's busy and she will try to call me back once she got a stable place.
The FACT, she can make the point to call others but not me. Another big factor, huh?
I seriously do not wanna hate her, so i console myself once more. "I was the cause of it"
This afternoon, i shutted my eyes, imagined that i was at the beach and it was raining. I was all alone there and i screamed out to the big sea, punched the ground until my hands are bleeding."
What a way to relieve myself, i will do it one day.
Been asking myself about my next step in my life. I have choices but, still not my dreams kinda. Even so, i have to pull through. I decided to walk slowly this time. No, don't get me wrong, not relationship. Because i live, my heart lives, that's another factor i created. The sun still shine everyday isn't it?
Well, my job remains, but i hope i could study if there's a chance, with my younger sister.
Together we will re-build this empire my own . I do not hope to see the same happenings in my grandfather's time, terrible experience for me.
Few hours ago, i sat at my desk and looked at the card that i was supposed to mail out. Initially, i wrote a few, was thinking if i should write down my name. Then i wrote a small paragraph at the back, sealed it. Accidentally screwed up the front and i cursed.
W/O any choice, i cut a smaller yellow paper and re-write the address and lastly glued it.
I know that she will get the card late, maybe i did intended it.. i really don't know.
I hope she forgive me for the loss of courage to even send a card. (I'm sorry)
These few days i have been looking ard for post-cards, you thought it will be easy to find but wrong. Nobody sells it! I will only have to make it myself. :(
Na, i'm not complaining but at times, you will to find a right pictures for the right timing, so i gotta be alert.
My doctor will not be giving any bed-time stories, she has fallen sick & she will be staying over at GF's house also. No worries, i'm not a baby anymore. But she just wanna make sure if i'm okay at times.. DOCTOR, THANK YOU HUH.
Eariler on, vivian mentioned that her GF moving out & she finally can get out of the misery, thank god. Surely i do not hope to see my friend still getting hurt. But, she really have to tighten her tummy cos it's not going to be easy all alone. She asked if i'm alright and not to let her worry for an old donkey(ME), i reply, "of course".
Tears did sip out without any reasons was what i didn't expect. During breakfast, driving, usual smoking area.. places everywhere.
For me in the past, i will already stop crying after a week or so. I'm such a crying baby now.
There's a song from me to her now playing.
The "invisible man" by 98 degrees.
Until today, i still think she don't quite get the meaning of this very song.
If you sit down alone, quietly absorb the lyrics..
You will feel the painful process of how this song really meaning.
Like singing a beautiful song to nobody. A non-existing lady.
What i can say is,
If i were to sing or play this song during for another one & half years,
i will gladly do it.
Call me silly.
"You don't see me , girl. But i love you, yes i love you.."
"The invisible man"..
chr|s on 9:30 PM
