Thursday, October 05, 2006
Dated : 05102006Mending a broken heart
Feeling broken hearted is just about the worst pain in the world. It can also seem endless - luckily it isn't.
So, you're nursing a broken heart?
What you have to remember is that you can get through it.
Ask around and you'll find that loads of people you know have had their hearts broken.
Most of them are OK now.
And one day you'll be OK too.
Better than that you'll be fine.
But right now, it's hard to believe that.
First love
Getting over your first love is incredibly difficult.
This is because we all think our first, real, wonderful, romantic love will last forever.
Funnily enough, we don't look at our friends and their early relationships and think that they will last forever.
And we know statistically that most people do not fall in love at 17 or thereabouts and stay with that person for life.
But knowing these things does not seem to stop us from feeling that our particular first love is golden and timeless and unlike any other.
So when it ends it's shattering.
The only comfort is that this romance has shown you how much love you have to give.
And people with love to give are attractive individuals that others are drawn to.
One day, you'll look back at your first love and realise that it was a great dress rehearsal for subsequent relationships.
But you're unlikely to feel that right now.
Treat yourself gently
You can feel so 'knocked' after your heart is broken that you feel seriously ill, or as if you've been in a car crash.
So, treat yourself as if you are recovering from a bad illness or a road traffic accident.
Let other people care for you, too.
Get as much sleep as possible.
Eat lovely foods.
Convalesce.
And allow yourself to cry - even if you're a bloke.
It's horrible at the time, but you'll feel better afterwards.
All in all, take life gently - you've had a shock, and your mind and body need time to get over it.
Pep up your social life
Your friends will help you get over it. Soon, they'll be asking you to come out in a group to the cinema or the pub or whatever. At first you won't be in the mood, but soon you'll realize that there are some bonuses to being single again. In fact, you'll find that this is a good time to do stuff that you didn't do with your ex. So now you can go to the sorts of films that you like, or you can listen to your type of music, or go on your type of holiday.
Look back to look forwards
Once you're over the stage of feeling shocked and ill, try to look back at your relationship as it really was, not through the rose-tinted spectacles you've worn for so long.
Write a list of the things that you don't miss about your ex.
At first you'll be thinking that you loved everything about this person, but you didn't.
What about those awful jokes, the rows, how you always had to make the arrangements if anything was to get done, the times when your ex put you down or made you feel stupid or how they didn't like your best mate?
There are always elements to our past loves that weren't right, and this is a good time to focus on them.
Starting again
Sometimes when our hearts are broken we want to find someone new to love us as soon as possible.
This is natural - but unwise.
Your best bet is to embrace your single life wholeheartedly for six months or so.
Obviously you may end up having sex with other people - but do make sure it's safe sex. However, your emotions are not going to settle for quite a while, so have fun, but don't go looking for anything else serious until you're happy without your ex.
You'll know you're getting over your heartache when you can get through a whole day without thinking about them.
Prescription for a Broken Heart
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Being heartbroken is a pain that no one can understand until they have experienced it for themselves.
You obviously have, therefore are aware of how fragile your heart is right now.
Healing a broken heart will take time, but is not impossible, though it may feel that way at the time.
It is never an easy process to go through, but with the right prescription, you will be on your way to recovery and happiness again.
The first thing you should keep in mind is that it is okay to feel sad and grieve about what happened and that you are not stupid for doing so.
It is perfectly normal to feel sad and cry after a break up.
You have invested most of your time and all of your love and interest into your ex-partner; therefore will go through a sad and painful withdrawal.
It is notable that you not grieve all on your own.
Sure, there will be times when you will just want to be alone and undisturbed.
However, it is important that you talk to your friends and family about it.
Talking about it is not only healthy, but will mend your heart quicker because you will release the thoughts and facts that are hurting you so much.
Seeking professional advice will be a great help to you as well because your mind will open up and see new perspectives and understandings of what happened.
It will help you gather your strength, pick yourself up, and find the happiness you deserve to have.
Accepting the fact that you and your ex-partner are no longer together is a necessity if you are going to start mending your broken heart.
If you catch yourself unable to function due to constantly thinking about your ex or repeatedly calling or visiting him or her for another chance, then chances are you are suffering from love addiction and should seek counseling.
Discontinuing a serious relationship is emotionally challenging and can drive you to do things that are unhealthy for your self-being.
To avoid entering such hazardous areas, keep yourself occupied.
Go out with your friends and family to help get your mind off the break up.
It is best to spend as less time alone as you can in the first few weeks of your breakup so that your emotions can slowly and patiently form back into their normal pattern.
Fight the thoughts that tell you that you are a failure and are to blame for the end of your relationship.
When a relationship ends it means that the two of you were no longer compatible and that always takes two, not just you.
Instead of beating yourself up over what has transpired, examine your ex-relationship by listing the things you enjoyed most about it and then the things that disappointed you and what you believe really caused the breakup.
Look at the relationship as a learning experience and an opportunity to improve your relationship skills, and a way to realize what you truly need and want from a romantic relationship.
Learning to forgive yourself and your ex-lover will speed up the healing process for the reason that you will feel more peaceful and calm about it.
Hating your ex will only build up tension and stress in your life, causing your emotions to slow down from getting back to order.
One way to avoid bitterness against your ex-partner is to look at the breakup as a favor. Appreciate their honesty of no longer wanting to pursue the relationship, instead of giving you high hopes for a possible future together.
It is always an advantage to exit a relationship that had no chances to survive than to be misled.
Conquer your fear of being alone.
You need to help yourself understand that it is not abnormal to be on your own and that your values come from who are rather than whom you are with.
Teach yourself that there is more to life than romantic relationships by spending quality time with your friends and family.
Learn more about whom the other people in your life are and introduce more of yourself to them as well.
Go out and do things together and treat yourself to something you enjoy, whether it is your favorite restaurant, shopping, going to the movies, or anything else.
Learning to you be your own best friend will not only improve your relationship with yourself, but with others as well.
As you begin to discover the other beauties of life and yourself, you will become more stable and stronger to face anything that crosses your path, such as a new relationship in the future.
Before you consider entering another relationship, take a step back and ask yourself why you want to do so.
Make sure that you are not entering a new relationship on a rebound.
This will only leave you with unfinished emotions and you will never have closure from your former relationship.
Never begin a new relationship because you are afraid of being on your own, or feel the need to just be in a relationship.
Form a relationship with someone new because you feel strong and secure on your very own and feel that you are ready to attempt a new romance.
Take it one step at a time and keep in mind of what your needs and desires are from a person and observe closely to see if they show signs of the qualities you are looking for.
As soon as you notice that he or she is not, then get out of it as soon as possible.
Learning from your previous relationships will come in very handy because you will be able to prevent similar situations in the future, leading you to meeting the people who fit your description of a perfect partner.
Lastly, remind yourself that love is a wonderful feeling and experience and should not be generalized based on your past experiences.
Do not use facts about your ex as a way to judge new people in your life.
Leave your past behind you and focus on moving ahead.
Get to know new people for who they are, not by comparing them to others, what they are not, or what they could be.
Once you have observed their personality, values and everything else, trust yourself to make the right decisions without constantly doubting yourself.
If you wish to try having a new relationship, then do so.
If you do not however, then do not feel guilty to kindly walk away from the situation.
You would be doing both you and the other a person a huge favor and saving time and emotions from being hurt.
You have nothing to fear or worry about.
After all, there will always be one person who will always love you, appreciate who you are and be there for you. . .
and that is YOU.
THE LOVE QUIZ: Are you afraid to commit?
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Are either or both of you guilty of any of the following:
1. Being overly critical of the other regarding his or her suitability as a mate and/or of the relationship as a whole.
2. Deliberately offending or creating contention, thus sabotaging the relationship, even if it seems to be working well.
An example of this might be consistently showing up late for dates, being passive during situations that call for emotional action, or bringing up subjects in which there is known disagreement or discord.
3. Assuming a deer-in-the-headlights look of terror if one of you mentions how great things are going or how perfect you are for each other.
4. Maintaining an overwhelming preoccupation with the concept that true love, or basically anything, is supposed to last forever.
5. Experiencing anxieties or premonitions of failing at the relationship because of experiences as a child.
6. Fearing loss of freedom or autonomy, and a sense of losing a separate identity distinct from the relationship.
7. Experiencing inability to calmly discuss the possibility of living together or getting married after several months of monogamous dating.
8. Levying global indictments of marriage, family, and/or the concept of finding the perfect mate: "There is no such thing as happily married";
"Everybody gets divorced"; "Women are sexy until you put that ring on their finger."
9. Falling for partners who are unavailable, married, live a long distance away or have similar reservations about commitment.
10. Manifesting other forms of commitment phobia, such as an ongoing inability to remain at jobs or at the same residence or even maintain long-term friendships (sometimes described as rootlessness).
How did you score?
If you answered yes to any of these, you might be a commitment-phobic. It's time to start a conversation about what each of you wants from your relationship.
chr|s on 12:05 PM
