Thursday, September 28, 2006
Dated : 28092006 - 29092006Platonic Relationships
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When dealing with male-female relationships, the statement of we're just friends, is frequently followed by snickers of doubt and yeah, right attitudes.
But why is this?
The prevalent belief is that it is simply impossible for males and females to just be friends.
Wherever a friendship between two people of the opposite sex is seen, society makes predictions about how the friendship is doomed to fail because intimate feelings will usually get involved,
The general view is that sooner or later, the relationship will get too intimate for comfort.
This view has been paralleled in numerous urban cities/colleges.
However, as times change, so do people.
The social scene is undergoing a slight change that is more accepting of platonic relationships. Boys and girls are getting to know each other without the context of one-on-one relationships. Group dating is increasing, enabling people to forge strong, non-sexual, respectable relationships with one another.
This changing scenario proves that people are capable of forming lasting relationships with members of the opposite sex. Relations between the two genders increasingly rely on respect and friendship rather than just sex and/or intimacy.
Although platonic relationships exist, there is always the possibility that the relationship will evolve into something more.
But relationships that begin with friendship as their base have been proven to be far more stable than those that do not.
Relationships that have friendship as their base usually last longer because both partners are more comfortable around each other.
There are no pretensions in the relationship.
This, along with other factors, proves that even if male/female friendships escalate, they can still be healthy relationships.
The views of platonic relationships differ in various people. Although, many platonic relationships have been proven healthy, many people feel as if a man and a woman cannot be friends without being intimate.
Although platonic relationships do exist and can actually work, these relationships may require more work than same-sex friendships.
Although it is important to cultivate all friendships, be mindful of hazards that might jeopardize a platonic relationship.
In order for the friendship to work, you must be up front about your feelings.
Counselors suggest that if romantic sentiments arise, it is easier to reveal those feelings at the start of the friendship.
Mixed emotions can get in the way later on if you feel very passionate about developing a committed relationship with your platonic friend.
On the other hand, if you are only interested in a platonic relationship and feel you can maintain it, then go for it!
With this attitude in mind, it's very possible that a platonic relationship can work.
If a mutual understanding exists and both parties agree to the status of their relationship, the friendship can stand the test of time.
Platonic friends works in theory, not reality.
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Do such purely platonic friendships exist in the real world?
Heather Reinhart, Chico State University senior, said "Guys and girls, just as friends? Sure, people say they have platonic relationships, but they are lying to themselves.
In the end there is always a crush."
Often times in a close friendship the comfort zone grows to such an extent almost anything can be said or done around that person.
In a male/female friendship, this comfort sometimes leads to more intimate thoughts.
The line between friend and "more than a friend" can get a little fuzzy, as one student admitted.
"A part of me always wants to kiss a girl who's a friend," said Bull Ah-yun, a Chico State senior. "But I don't. I get scared of messing things up.
Nothing's worth wrecking a friendship."
Mark Overgaard, a Chico State junior, said, "Some of my best friends are girls.
Sometimes I have crushes on them, but nothing ever happens."
He then laughed and confessed, "Oh, OK.
Occasionally something happens.
Half and half.
But platonic relationships are possible."
Almost all the students that were interviewed agreed that even one kiss alters a friendship a little.
The platonic aspect of the relationship is in danger.
Chico State senior Michelle Stafford said, "If a small attraction is already there and alcohol gets involved, things could change a little."
"They're [platonic friendships] great, but then again if an attraction comes into the picture, it's not so great,"
Brian Zan, Chico State senior, agreed. "Especially if you're unsure how the other person feels."
When asked whether he had ever kissed one of his female "friends," Zan bashfully nodded and said, "Some I have, and some I haven't."
Robin Giannini, a senior at Chico State, offered a little advice on the subject.
She said she believes platonic friendships can remain strictly platonic, but it is difficult.
If one of the people has a girlfriend or boyfriend, it can take a strain off the possible romantic aspects of the friendship.
There are set boundaries.
The friendship definitely cannot go further than a certain point.
"Sure, it's easier if you are already involved in another relationship," Reinhart said.
"But if there was no significant other, who knows what would happen?
Even if there is a significant other, something still might happen."
Zan stressed the importance of friendships rather the content of them.
"Friendships are the start of everything and anything," Zan said.
"You never know what it will evolve into.
That is how all relationships must begin, with a friendship.
Without friendship it will never last.
It's just an infatuation."
Do’s and Don’ts of Cultivating and Maintaining a Platonic Friendship with a Woman!
You Would Otherwise Want To Have a Relationship With and Quite Possibly Marry.
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DO play and replay scenarios in your mind where you come out and declare your true feelings to her.
DO NOT actually attempt this.
DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love
DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
DO NOT ever actually give her the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why she does not pick up on them.)
DO listen to all her problems with men:
No matter how many times you have heard her make these same mistakes (with other men), DO NOT get so entranced by her soft, full lips that you lean forward and kiss her. (Fantasize about it instead.)
DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this
DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy
DO commiserate with your close guy friends. See who can come up with the most heinously painful story about “The Treatment.” Shudder in unison.
DO NOT confide in any of your female friends, because:
They won’t understand.
They’ve done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it.
They’ll think you are talking about them.
They are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to Destroy All Men.
DO get drunk and maudlin about her
DO NOT get drunk and confront her
If you do reveal your true feelings to her while drunk or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl. unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain fever, etc.), DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.
DO say how it would be such a big mistake if you were to get together with her.
DO joke about it afterwards.
DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been carrying a torch for her for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
DO NOT consciously avoid her for the next two weeks (avoid her unconsciously).
DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
DO promise that you will change, that things will be different.
DO NOT actually change.
DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her “love” or “your friend”
DO NOT pretend you are kissing her when you lick the envelope.
DO vacillate between fearing that she will discover how you feel about her and hoping that she does.
DO seek out opportunities to hug, air/cheek kiss, and give/receive back rubs
DO NOT let things get out of hand (if this should happen, apologize profusely and disavow everything)
DO become trapped in a shallow, meaningless, lifeless relationship.
DO NOT actually seek out a secure, quality, lasting relationship, as this would interfere with your fantasizing about her
DO complain bitterly about this awful relationship to all your friends and to her.
Platonic Philosophy
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I recently asked an 18-year-old guy if he believed in platonic relationships between guys and girls.
His answer was interesting: "Only if there's a barrier," he said, "like if she's dating your friend or if she's your cousin. But generally - I'd say no."
After years of field research on the subject (hey, someone has to do it) I have found this to be true.
"We're only friends" is a cop-out: it means you don't know each other that well, that one of you feels something the other doesn't, or that you are lying to yourselves.
Strike this comment if one of you is gay or attached, or if you are related.
It is my feeling that when you have a close friend of the opposite sex, with whom you share everything and where no mitigating factors exist, at least one of you will be harboring deeper feelings for the other.
This shouldn't be surprising: the best relationships grow out of friendship, the deepest attractions grow out of an intimate connection with someone's soul.
Why should it be otherwise?
This is not to say that you should drop all of your guy friends for fear that they are secretly pining after you. Or that you should assume that the girl you have considered your best pal for years is really just waiting for the right moment.
Just be aware that there is always a subtext to every situation, and the subtext of deep friendship, not surprisingly, is love.
Don't be fooled into thinking it can't happen to you.
My friend Nikki was best friends with Gary for years.
They talked for hours every day, did everything together.
They each went out with other people throughout high school and the early part of college.
We're only friends, Nikki would protest, when asked what the deal was.
She sang this song and danced this dance for the better part of two years.
Sometime, somewhere, things changed.
They started dating. Seriously.
No one was shocked (except maybe Nikki); it was a natural outgrowth of what had been going on for years. Today they are married with two kids.
But remember: They're only friends.
How To Quickly Turn Platonic Friends into Lovers Using The New 5-Step Jealousy Technique.
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STEP 1:
Make sure when you mention this other girl it flows naturally in the conversation. You don't want her to think (know) that you have an agenda. You can say something like "Oh yeah, that reminds me, there's this new girl that moved in down the street..." and then smoothly deliver you story.
STEP 2:
Build up the value of the girl in this story. Make her incredible. If the girl isn't special, than your story isn't going to have the right affect on her. You have to let her know that this girl is slightly better. Basically, you are going to put her in a competition that she didn't sign up for. And because all women want the attention to be on them she'll be literally forced into a competitive mindstate. It's ok to laugh. Remember, to her you are innoscently recalling a past event/experience with another female or you are telling her about a "new girl" that you just discovered. You are just sharing your joy. Give the friend specific reasons why the "special girl" is better than most females (her). Talk about her breasts, her butt, her personality, her eyes, her amazing smile, anything. Pretend that it is your mission to get the friend to say to herself "Ok, that's enough! I want you to talk about me!" The good thing about this step is that you don't have to wonder whether it will work. I'm going to assume that you know that this will happen eventually if you do it the right way.
STEP 3:
Repeat Step 2. It is a must that you do this way past the point where she begins to want you to start talking about her. You got to make her feel uncomfortable. And you must extend this discomfort for awhile. Jealousy always involves discomfort. If you ever been jealous over a girl, you know that it always increases your attention (magnifies your focus) on the girl you were jealous over.
You may not realized it, but is also increased your attraction to her. Most women are natural experts at doing this.
STEP 4:
If your particular story allows for it, make sure there is an event where a bunch of guys are admiring this special girl. For example: "This new girl moved in my neighbor yesterday. She gets out of her car and three guys stopped what they were doing and just starting staring at her with their tongues hanging out of their mouths. It was like she was walking in slow motion..." You want her to say to herself "She must be super hot. All the guys want her" Also, women get in competitive mode very easily when they see a woman sucking up all of the guys' attention.
STEP 5:
Make this step as believable as possible. So far you have built up the value of this super awesome girl that all the guys want. Now you must show that this girl is attracted to you on some level - even if it appears that you are not aware of it. For example: "It was like she was walking in slow motion. Then she introduced herself to me. I was a little shocked because most hot girls are stuck up. She was very friendly. She then tells me that I reminded her of an ex boyfriend and she starts looking at me weird. I'm not sure if that was good or bad." As you can see this step is all about sending the message that this girl digs you. It is not about sending the message that you have everything figured out.
chr|s on 2:58 PM
