Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Dated : 04102006(Day 44)
As you can see, i haven't been writing at my blog for long.
Wonder how much i could write these days.
Life has only started to pick up after the big-hell of debts.
I have my own car, own space but was never happy.
Yes, i created a dark pit and stay seated at my own risk.
But who could have know how it was for a living like mine?
My childhood was never bright, restain from doing this and that.
I was never a good kid who will sit down quietly doing my homework, even teens-hood.
I was always caned and punished for my siblings's doings.
Every 2 days nights, my always-angry grandfather will be stalking us with the cane and we hide everywhere you could imagine.
Was always locked at home while others always have the freedom to run about.
I like going frequently to the monsoon drain at the end of the alley, though it's smelly.
Neigbours always laughed at us for being filthy living in private estates, we can't be bothered.
Who will know the happiness we had as kids with only innocence?
I remembered the 1st time my mother bought the 1st goldfish and i was over-joyed.
We learned how to take care of it but it still died then she give up learning how to keep it surving.
I dun blame her but it was my 1st fish and my 1st love-hobby which no one bother to know.
I learned gardening from her as well, we are always caring and checking on her plants on weekends.
It always a blessing when you realise ways to spend quality time with ur mother.
Up til today, in office she still do gardening without fail to water them, i admire that patience.
I spent almost 12 years staying with such a family.
2 sets of semi-d, four apartments with fou different families.
I used to admired my cousins with what they have, books, toys, bicycles and we have nothing.
As the curtain of my innocence drawn, i realised it was all my dad's doing.
With 4 kids to look after and a difficult husband, she often took to abuse us, mostly me.
I hated her and my dad, because i couldn't understand nor felt pain all the while.
Teens life is also difficult when i have not much friends and guys took the liking to bully me.
I was not doing well in my studies either but i took liking to all sports and art lessons.
Every single year, without fail, my mum have been in and out ofthe principal's office.
Was often grounded without knowing or findin out what when wrong.
That point of time was difficult for her as well and she/dad was rarely home.
I choose to tell and write in a diary, not one but many.
Before 18yrs, i got so sick of frequent bullying and joined my friends for so-called protection.
Fire spreaded like wind, the 3th day after that..
Everyone disappeared the moment i appears, changed their tone.
Why will pple change so fast?
Was it fear? Was it an acknowledge?
Down the year, i was enjoying life in school and i make the point for pple to remember my name.
18 that year, i ran away from home, disgusted at my mother for slappin me and insulting my friends.
3 days later, i was found and i locked myself in my room for 7 days.
After a hard scolding for my elder sister, i woke from my foolish dream and was down to heart guilty for upsetting my own mother.
Quited school and worked my ass eveywhere but with parents.
I was in and out of the company 2 times, the last time was after a good talk with my elder sister.
More hardships and pain just begin at that time. ~
Ever know how much promises meant to a kid?
Ever know how it feels to be always away from my feelings?
Ever felt painful yorself whe you hitted me like never before?
Ever thought how bad freaked out i was when you locked me into that cupbroad?
Ever asked why i couldn't concentrate when you want me to study?
Ever asked why i always spent nights alone talking to empty space?
These are the questions hovering like forever but i had finally managed to put it all down.
I will never hate them nor be nasty.
These are parts of growing up.
I had the hardest time since young but if i can choose to forget all, it's the biggest thing.
I know many could not ever understand why i made this decision.
Dun bother to hate or think back why abt certain things, understand what's happening before you finalize.
All mothers in this world spent months having pain and discomfort just to deliver you to this world.
My mother had 12 hours of labour pain before i came out and i am truly sorry for the pain.
Upon knowing this, please understand their pain as well.
Nobody in this world could be more important than, mother. :)
chr|s on 1:57 PM
