Author helps couples accept their differences
BY STUART WOLPERT

Maybe it's the same old fight over a growing pile of credit card bills or a skirmish about whose weekend plans will win out this time - a symphony concert or a night of professional hockey?

If you and your spouse happen to be at war and not exactly in the right mood to exchange sweetly worded Valentine's cards tomorrow, take heart.

UCLA Professor of Psychology Andrew Christensen has some down-to-earth advice about the conflicts couples have and ways they can more quickly recover from them in a book that has just been selected a finalist for "Book of the Year" in a competition sponsored by Books for a Better Life in the relationship category.

All couples have conflicts, stressed Christensen, co-author of "Reconcilable Differences" (Guilford Press), a book that helps people reduce the number of arguments in their relationship and minimize the anger and resentment that often accompany these battles.

In fact, one study found that "incompatibility is a mathematical certainty," although early in relationships, we may not see, or pay attention to, important differences.

When these differences become clearer, we often have the "fantasy" that we can make our partner change.

The truth is that in marriages, people are unlikely to change, no matter how much their spouses demand it, said Christensen.

"We want our partner to admit we are right and to make the changes we say are necessary," he said. "We think a transformation will take place in our partner's behavior and attitude, and we even may expect to be thanked for pointing out the other person's deficiencies.

Most of our efforts toward change in our partners are driven by this fantasy, and most of these efforts are unsuccessful.

Eliciting change from your spouse without demonstrating acceptance of his or her position is difficult, and often impossible."

Contrary to what many believe, he noted, "People cannot change their basic essence even if they try, and it is futile to demand that they do so.

To love and marry someone, you must accept the essence of the other person, you must accept who he or she is.

You can push for change at the periphery, but not at the core.

Marriage is a package deal; you don't get a line-item veto over your partner's personality where you can discard the traits you don't like."

A solution, said Christensen, who wrote the book with the late Neil Jacobson, professor of psychology at the University of Washington, is to be more accepting and to see a spouse's shortcomings as "endearing, or at least easily forgivable."

The best solutions to most problems, they say, involve a combination of acceptance and change.

Crimes of the heart
Christensen, who has worked with hundreds of couples in therapy for more than 20 years, believes couples should put their squabbles in perspective. "The crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors, even though they sometimes feel like felonies," he said.

Couples fight about all kinds of things, but most common are "daily slights, inattentive acts and routine disrespects that hurt and anger us," the psychologist said. For example, he shows little interest when she talks about her day at the office. And she tires of his litany of complaints about his job.

"Most of the change we seek in our relationships is gradual change in everyday behavior," Christensen said.

"Do more of the housework; spend more time with the kids; don't be so critical; pay more attention when I talk to you; be more ambitious at work; put more energy into our relationship."

In fact, we may actually grow to dislike in our spouses the very personality traits that attracted us in the first place, the authors said.

A "Cathy" cartoon illustrates this turnabout.

When you broke up, he was 'directionless and immature.' "

Where to begin?
Two major issues that need to be resolved in marriages involve closeness and power, Christensen and Jacobson advised, and couples need to make their own rules that work best for them.
"Closeness can be so intense that one or both have little existence apart from their relationship or, at the other extreme, grow so far apart over the years that they live in entirely separate worlds," Christensen said.

"Couples must find their own level of closeness that fulfills their needs for companionship and intimacy without robbing them of their needs for independence."
Each may want a high level of closeness, but may disagree on what that means.

He may mean mainly physical proximity, while she may want mainly emotional connection.

Said Christensen: "For one person in a couple, making love may be a way to achieve closeness, while for the other, it may be an expression of closeness that has already been achieved."
Couples should also work out a division of power and responsibility for such matters as household tasks and child care according to their needs, interests and abilities.
Consider disputes over spending money.

The husband may feel he should control the finances, and the wife may feel she should have equal control, Christensen said.
"Many couples today have joint control over finances, but does joint control mean that we both agree on every purchase or only on major purchases?" Christensen asked.
When there's disagreement, many couples address conflict with "toxic cures" - accusation, blame, coercion, defensiveness, avoidance and denial - Christensen and Jacobson wrote. As a result, "we end up hurt, angry, defensive and frustrated - and our conflicts perpetuate themselves," Christensen said.

Seeking the 'third side' to every story
In marital conflicts, there are often "three sides to every story" - hers, his and an outsider's, often discerning partial truth in each version.

For example, a wife says her husband never shares his feelings and withdraws; she says he gives perfunctory answers to her questions and does not confide in her, which makes her feel neglected.

His side of the story is that she's always pressuring him to reveal his innermost feelings when he's dog-tired in the evening and not feeling much of anything.

He feels he can handle his problems himself and does not want to burden her with them.
An outsider might say that her style is to speak her mind and be open with her feelings while he is shy and private.

His need for time alone conflicts with her need for time together.

The more he seeks independence, the more she presses for closeness.

She begins to see his shyness as inadequacy and his reluctance to communicate as a lack of love. He begins to see her emotional responses as immaturity.

The more he withdraws, the angrier she gets.

Their differences become a source of argument, with criticisms, defensiveness and withdrawal.
Explained Christensen: "Acceptance does not mean giving in or tolerating behavior with which you are not comfortable, and does not mean you never argue.

Rather, it means seeing behavior in the larger picture of who your spouse is.

It means sending the message 'I love you the way you are, and I don't expect you to change to accommodate my needs.'
"Paradoxically, when we feel accepted, we don't feel defensive, are better able to understand our spouse's feelings and concerns and may change because we want our spouse to feel better."

Healing the heart
Once a better understanding of your relationship has been achieved, Christensen and Jacobson offer some general guidelines for improving relationships:
Develop the "third side" of the story that incorporates your partner's perspective, as well as your own. Try viewing the problem as an unfortunate "difficulty we have," rather than something your partner does to you.
In an argument, demonstrate that you have heard your spouse by accurately and fairly summarizing what he or she says before responding, and then ask your spouse to do likewise.

If talking with your spouse about some issues is not constructive, try writing a note or making an audio or videotape recording.

This may get your spouse's attention and make the communication less accusatory and less defensive.
When in conflict with your spouse, do something positive for your partner, with no strings attached.
Focus on one specific problem at a time, and not a whole litany of complaints and accusations. Focus more on the painful reactions that each of you has experienced rather than the negative actions that each of you believes the other has committed.
Try to understand that hurtful actions by your spouse may be protective defense mechanisms to mask his or her own pain; don't dig in your heels and insist that your way is the only right way.